If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
