I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
