Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
