Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
