Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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