Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
