life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
