uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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