4 words: hood of his car
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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