you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize