just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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