Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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