Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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