Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize