I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
