when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
