ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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