I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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