Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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