I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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