he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
