Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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