and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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