i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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