i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
