unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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