He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize