thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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