You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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