there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
