aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
