I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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