dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
