we made out on top of his cat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
