What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
