...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize