At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
