dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My ATM looks so different sober.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
