My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
