After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
