i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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