Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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