just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
