Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
