I hate all girls vehemently.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
