I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize