Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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