you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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