i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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