i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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