Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
