I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
