Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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