just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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