I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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