I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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