Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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