This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
